I'm in Denial. There is a part of me- deep down- that knows this- acknowledges it, and gets louder daily, screaming the list of things that I need to get done- things I'm running out of time for. But my head is buried in the sand. I don't want to make the lists, to let go of the life I have spent the last 20+ years living. The life of a full time mom- the emotional highs and lows, the daily drama of 3 girls, the non stop running, driving, praying, talking, planning, reminding, football games, band competitions, orchestra concerts, plays, dates, drs appts, shopping trips, "Mama can you Bring me" phone calls, grades, tests...The never ending chaos of Three beautiful souls living life and running in opposite directions on a daily basis. And yet...the first phase...my major role in their lives...is about to change Forever.
As Elizabeth prepares to leave for college...and the days slip by...my own personal deadline looms ever closer...and I have never been as frightened as I am by these 2 words..."What's Next?"
They were 5, 3 and 1 when their father left. I have spent the past 16 years living with one goal in mind- to see them graduate High School. I have fought Cancers, MRSA, Pneumonias, Sepsis, Asthma and other medical problems for 12 years with a singular purpose- To watch them walk across that stage. I have sacrificed and done without- gone into debt that I'll never get out of simply to make sure they had what they needed. And now, I'm supposed to move on.
Move on to Where? Do What? With Who?
I've been alone for so long, I'm not sure I would know how to date. When the girls are all in college at the end of this year- what is keeping me here in Knoxville- Ok- a team of Drs whose sole purpose has been to keep me alive- but other than that? What am I going to do with my life? Yes, there will be letters to write, cards to mail, packages to send...but what will I do with the rest of my time? What purpose is going to be the driving force now?
I feel like I'm sinking...and the sands of time are swallowing me up.
I can't seem to figure out what's next- and the voices in my head get louder each day...
I don't know where to start. I have to find a new place to live- have less than 6 months to sort thru a lifetime of memories, furniture and memories- and find a way to let go of most of it- "Downsize" being the operative word. I need to decide if I'm staying in Knoxville, moving to FL (like I have been "Threatening" for over 5 years)...or head to Boston (Brianna asks almost every time we talk).
And as I type this...the voices get louder around me- and the desire I have to pull the pillow over my head and just sleep away the next 6 months gets stronger and stronger. But the Sands are sinking away from me- rushing thru the hourglass of our life as the days fly off the calendar with lightening speed.
I need answers. I need a quiet heart, and a calm spirit so that I can come to some decision- start planning out the days and weeks to come.
And yet...I don't know where to start.
Oh Miki, I'm sorry I am just reading this. First, I didn't know your babies were so young when you/they were abandoned. As though I already wasn't angry enough that anyone would do this, how could he leave babies?! how could leave you in your youth?!
ReplyDeleteNow, moving on-- I'm sorry I did not read this when you wrote it. I'm sorry I was not listening. Have you come to any conclusions? Have you made any changes? I like the idea of FL for you-- would be healing on many levels, yes? I'll be thinking of you. I'll be sharing many of these feelings with you, even though I still have little ones at home, I can relate.
Forever your friend, and sister in the heart, Linda