This is the time of the year that I start craving the beach. The bright sunshine, the cool air off the water...the sugar white beaches of *home*~Northwest Florida...the blue skies, soft music, and the amazing joy that fills my heart when I drive south of Crestview and start seeing water at every turn. It energizes me...I am awake with the light of the sun...and up long into the night enjoying the moon on the water or visiting with friends. It renews me, My spirits are lifted, and somehow, I am closer to the *me* I remember, somehow the battles of health and spirit are washed away with the tides, and I am brought back to the *me* I loved...The Me I was *proud* to be...I am not sure if one has anything to do with the other- whether it is the beaches, water, sunsets/rises that are my touchstone, if the friends I have there are part of what puts me back in touch with myself, or if being there allows me to let go of all of the baggage I have acquired since I left 16 years ago. What I do know, is - when I am there- I am home- My heart feels a peace I never feel anywhere else. I grew up there- my Mammoo and G'pa Bob lived there, and my Great Aunt and Uncle lived in FWB for 40 years. I have been going for visits and trips and holidays there, my entire life. I have been to and lived in some incredible locations...I live in a beautiful place now- that my girls feel is home. But I am biding my time, waiting until they are all old enough so I can go home. Navarre Beach is calling me home.
Yes, I remember the tourists, the mugginess, the heat, the distance you had to travel for anything major...and its only gotten more crowded. But its ok...because the thing I have struggled most with the past 7+ years is loneliness. I don't say much about it on Facebook- I don't want to complain, I don't want to be negative, or to say that I don't have friends here- I have some Great friends- but everyone's lives are so busy, it is so easy to be isolated in the middle of a crowd- and even easier when you have been basically homebound for over 3 years. I do not have anyone outside my home that I have daily personal contact with, no one that I can just pick up and go over and hang out- or work on projects with. I miss that. I have a group of the girls' friends, who come over regularly~ and they keep me sane- they talk to me, hang out with me, and even sit with me when I am sick. But their lives are pretty busy, so its not something I can plan on-They have enough pressures in their own lives, without needing to deal with the drama in mine. So I bottle things up...God and I talk all the time- but it helps to have the physical presence of a Friend, especially when you are struggling and don't have the words to truly get to the heart of what you are dealing with. Especially when one of the biggest problems that you have is that you feel completely, incredibly, constantly alone. And for some reason, from the time I feel that first breeze off the Sound wash over my face, I breathe easier, and I feel like I can pick up the phone, or stop by to see an old friend- Or meet for a *long breakfast/lunch/drinks/dinner* (yes, we have had days like that!) where everyone gets to vent- and where you get nothing truly accomplished- but you leave with your heart and spirits lighter and your burdens lifted, even if just for a little while.
So the song says *I am homesick, for a place I've never been before*~but I have been there-and it makes me miss it all the more! I would love to go down there right now, and wash away all of my cares away, as I watch the waves crash up on the shore. In the coming weeks we have plays, college visits, proms, birthdays and graduation. But soon, maybe soon, I'll be able to take a long weekend and go down for what I call a *sanity check*...but it won't be long enough until I am home. 2 hours from family, and minutes away from my beach, that I love and miss so much. But that move won't be this year- so until the last girl walks across that stage, it is simply wishful thinking...
Out on Okaloosa Island...
Seaside at SanDestin, Oct '10
My precious Navarre Beach!
<3 Love, M
