Time Flies...

 So I didn't exactly *Forget* This blog...I just set it aside and let it get a little dusty over the last 10 years...

Updates on everyone and where they are and what they are up to now...Victoria is a Nanny for a surgeon here in Knoxville, living with her best friends in a house not too far from my apartment and becoming more independent and self assured each day. She is on the board of Foothills Community Players and frequently does shows with them. She has found her tribe and has some of the most amazing friends who are a second family to her, and I'm grateful every day for their love and support of my Bohemian girl.

Brianna is at Cambridge getting her MBA, she has a job offer from a company in London that will start when she finishes classes up in September, and they will be expediting her visa and sponsoring her. She has a lovely boyfriend named Matt who we love, and is working hard to get her startup, Invsted, off the ground. They will pilot programs at both Harvard and Cambridge this fall- its amazing to see how things are just falling into place for her. She is thriving on the travel and challenges her life has brought her.

Elizabeth just moved into a house with a new roommate, named...Elizabeth. LOL. Its a great space, with plenty of room for her Great Pyrenees, Hope to enjoy and run around. She is working as a social worker at the Domestic Violence Unit in Charlotte, NC, and she is starting her Masters program in a few weeks part time at the University of Tennessee- online. She has a great group of friends who love to play and enjoy life the same way she does, and she's finally feeling "At Home".

I started attending a local church in October when a friend took the music minister position and put a plea out mentioning he needed choir members. I went to visit, quite apprehensive, as I had been locked away for the better part of 21 months due to Covid, and wasn't sure I would feel comfortable in an in person worship setting. Not only was I welcomed to this church family with open arms, but they took Covid very seriously and I felt safe around others who distanced and used masks and were some of the first in line for vaccinations and boosters. After attending the church for about 7 weeks, I was approached about the administrative assistant position as their current Admin person was leaving. They offered me a job with 20 hours a week, with time off for my health, Dr's appts and transfusions as needed- no questions asked. It felt like it was meant to be- so I accepted. I have enjoyed feeling needed and helpful again, and although there are definitely weeks where it takes all the energy I have- most weeks it makes me feel useful and a part of the world again. So I rest and do my best to listen to my body. I am back in a choir, and have even been given opportunities to sing again! And they don't look at me as someone who has scarred vocal chords, 60% lung capacity and no immune system, they see a friend who enjoys singing and can hit most of the notes, most of the time (especially if you let me sneak breaths when I need to!). There is a joy I can't even describe which is a direct result of that.

I am still on the transfusions every 4 weeks, Dupixent every other week and Fasenra once every 7 weeks, but these have allowed me to be around people and to be off the steroids a majority of the time- one of the biggest blessings of all. I've lost almost 50 lbs, and have been able to either get completely off medication for diabetes or blood pressure- or at least been able to reduce the dosage of some of the meds I'm on. 

Overall, I am feeling so blessed. I have new friends in the members of the church, and have been able to get out and renew some of my old friendships since being in isolation during the height of the Covid pandemic. On top of that I am so blessed that I raised 3 of my best friends. I absolutely LOVE the women I have raised. I like who they are as people, and I love that we can talk about anything, can laugh and cry together- and that I am one of the first people they want to call when something significant happens in their lives. I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.

Hear My Heart Mama...I Love you Always...

These were the last words I ever got to share with my Mama...I am Eternally grateful to my Baby Brother John...for having the strength and the love to sit by her bedside, holding her hand...and reading my heart to her...Knowing I wouldn't get there in time to say Goodbye in person...For that- and so much more- I am forever grateful John...

First- I say this because I know you will fight with all you have- and I hope you will be around for years to continue to lead and love our family.
But if God has other plans- then I need to say a few things.
Thank you: for teaching me to live life with grace, a heart of kindness, a love of God, and an undying faith.
Thank you for teaching me how to fight- for my life, my health, my children
Thank you for showing me strength in Grace and a heart for God
Thank you for teaching me how to cook, bake, host a party, sew and craft almost everything I lay my eyes/hands on.
Thank you for giving me a green thumb- and for teaching me a love of nature, gardens and Gods beauty in the flowers of life.
Thank you for passing down a love of music, of cooking
You showed me how to raise Godly daughters who are not afraid to  stand up for what they believe or for who they love.
You helped give me the strength to raise my daughters to be stronger than their abuser~ I truly believe they would never have survived the damage he did to them without the love, support, courage and financial help you gave to the fight for so many years.
Thank you.
I Love you
I'm proud to be your daughter.
Thank you- for the prayers- the endless prayers I know you have sent up on my behalf and on that of the 3 angels God entrusted to me.
When they told me I had blood clots in my lungs...and cancer, and sepsis, and MRSA, and pneumonia/ time and again...I could feel your prayers...and it was your voice I heard when my 5 year old little girl looked at me after I had been in the hospital for 6 weeks and told me she was afraid and  asked me what she could do...and I told her the 3 words that have been our motto our whole life...

Trust in God.
Trust in God
Trust in God

That has brought is thru every battle Mama, every illness, disease and pain- every surgery and transfusion - every new condition that has appeared on my horizon- not only frightening me- but I know ripping away a little of the fabric of security my girls felt growing up. Trust In God.
I don't know how many times I have said it- prayed it- chanted it- wept it...and how many times it was the last cry of my heart before I was ready to give up...and God stepped in.
You endowed me with that strength Mama. You led me to that place of faith- and because of that - you gave my girls hope to cling to.
You gave me a foundation in Jesus Christ and in faith that can never be shaken- and empowered and encouraged me to pass that down to my daughters. They aren't perfect Mama- but they are women of God- and they are women who love their Grammy with their whole heart.

You encouraged my gift...as I discovered it...and were always my greatest fan. When I fight each time my lungs are failing- to find the song that still remains in them...you are there with me.

When I lift my voice in praise to God- when the words come from a place I can't describe-you are there. When I am still fighting after 15 years of oxygen, breathing treatments, and scarring...you are there. I see your face in that pew...smiling thru all of the sour notes that Anita and I used to hit...all of the songs that were "close"...and the moments when the spirit moved and the music was really blessed. You are there.

When I hear "Wasted Years", "The Warrior is a Child", "Do I Trust You", "Precious Memories", "Go Rest High", "Thank You" or "Jesus Hold My Hand"...or when I sing any of the songs God gave me...you are there. I see your smile and I feel your joy.

When I make a pot of spaghetti, or a batch of fried chicken...or when I cook a holiday meal- or make our Christmas cookies - you are there.

You are so much a fabric of my being that I wouldn't begin to know who I am without you- and yet- I can't imagine not making sure that you KNOW this.

When I know that comfort food consists of graham crackers with chocolate frosting when you are a little girl...and spice tea when you have a sore throat...you are with me.
When my beautiful girls find the love of their life...and are ready to walk down the aisle and start families of their own- I pray with all the strength God has given me you will be there smiling on the front row...but regardless, you are there.
And when I send my youngest daughter out into the world in 3 months...and begin a new chapter of life on my own- with the hope of finding love again- I hope he is a man of God- I pray that I am able to find a love one day that is as strong, enduring, faithful, fun, affectionate and passionate - as full of friendship and faith- as the love you and Daddy have for each other- and for the example you showed us. I may not have been able to give my girls the example of a happy healthy marriage- but they saw it in spades every time they looked at you and their beloved Papa.

You are my hero Mama. You showed me how to be a lady, a wife, a mother, a fighter, a survivor, a woman of God. I am not perfect...but I am a child of God you have taught me to Trust in with my whole being...


For the times you were disappointed in me- I am sorry
For the times I let you down- I am sorry.
For the times I made you angry- I am sorry

I love you.
Love, Miki

Sinking Sands

I'm in Denial. There is a part of me- deep down- that knows this- acknowledges it, and gets louder daily, screaming the list of things that I need to get done- things I'm running out of time for. But my head is buried in the sand. I don't want to make the lists, to let go of the life I have spent the last 20+ years living. The life of a full time mom- the emotional highs and lows, the daily drama of 3 girls, the non stop running, driving, praying, talking, planning, reminding, football games, band competitions, orchestra concerts, plays, dates, drs appts, shopping trips, "Mama can you Bring me" phone calls, grades, tests...The never ending chaos of Three beautiful souls living life and running in opposite directions on a daily basis. And yet...the first phase...my major role in their lives...is about to change Forever.
As Elizabeth prepares to leave for college...and the days slip by...my own personal deadline looms ever closer...and I have never been as frightened as I am by these 2 words..."What's Next?"

They were 5, 3 and 1 when their father left. I have spent the past 16 years living with one goal in mind- to see them graduate High School. I have fought Cancers, MRSA, Pneumonias, Sepsis, Asthma and other medical problems for 12 years with a singular purpose- To watch them walk across that stage. I have sacrificed and done without- gone into debt that I'll never get out of simply to make sure they had what they needed. And now, I'm supposed to move on.

Move on to Where? Do What? With Who?

I've been alone for so long, I'm not sure I would know how to date. When the girls are all in college at the end of this year- what is keeping me here in Knoxville- Ok- a team of Drs whose sole purpose has been to keep me alive- but other than that? What am I going to do with my life? Yes, there will be letters to write, cards to mail, packages to send...but what will I do with the rest of my time? What purpose is going to be the driving force now?

I feel like I'm sinking...and the sands of time are swallowing me up.
I can't seem to figure out what's next- and the voices in my head get louder each day...
I don't know where to start. I have to find a new place to live- have less than 6 months to sort thru a lifetime of memories, furniture and memories- and find a way to let go of most of it- "Downsize" being the operative word. I need to decide if I'm staying in Knoxville, moving to FL (like I have been "Threatening" for over 5 years)...or head to Boston (Brianna asks almost every time we talk).
And as I type this...the voices get louder around me- and the desire I have to pull the pillow over my head and just sleep away the next 6 months gets stronger and stronger. But the Sands are sinking away from me- rushing thru the hourglass of our life as the days fly off the calendar with lightening speed.
I need answers. I need a quiet heart, and a calm spirit so that I can come to some decision- start planning out the days and weeks to come.
And yet...I don't know where to start.

A Whole New World...Of Summer Days and Spinning Silks...

Vibrant Colored Silks… streams of liquid gold and silver flowing thru the heavy summer breeze…

Intricate and beautiful dancers…floating thru routines to music that emanates and surrounds them as the sun slowly sets and paints colorful murals thru the clouds in the skies…

Gentle rustling breezes float through the tall vibrant green grasses surrounding the field they dance in…

Small flashes of blinking light dancing sporadically in intermittent patterns-resembling Christmas lights which magically appear as fireflies explore the edges of evening…

Long summer rays dancing off the leaves, the blades, the fabric, making the blonde hair shine like liquid gold, red hair blaze with a fiery glory, and the brunette hair shine with strands of copper fire and bronze…

 The air is heavy with sweet perfume of honeysuckle and freshly cut grass. There are sabers and rifles, but no weapons, Fabric Flying thru the air, but no magic carpets…A foreign language, yet still they speak English- Angle Toss, Pull Toss, Push Toss, J- Toss, Pull Hit, and Thumb flip…

These are all the impressions which invade my senses and fill my mind as I sit on Tuesday evenings, watching my youngest daughter entering a Whole New World…a world of downbeats and dancing, of drum majors and sectionals. Some of the elements are familiar; after all, she has been raised in a world of music, orchestras, choirs, singing, and dancing. But this new world of marching music- of grace and precision is an unknown.  I am as proud as I am amazed- at the effort and beauty they put into each phrase. I love watching them come together as they work to push themselves- to further their endurance and grace. They dance on weak ankles; they toss flags from hands filled with blisters, all to display the strength and beauty of a hummingbird in a hurricane.

As the marching band works tirelessly on their musicality and form, their precision and formations, I watch the girls of the guard embracing these qualities and working toward making the aural presentation of the band into a visual translation. They will work hard in the coming days of summer until they perfect their creation. They will spend hours in the heat of the summer days- to spin magic that will capture us and whisk us away to another reality, and I know that I am proud to have a small part in encouraging them and capturing that magic as I follow them around with my camera.  So in the coming weeks, I will lose myself for a few hours every day in spinning silks, rich, vibrant colors, and the smells of summer- while I know that it is all rapidly racing toward the night they will step onto the foreign soil of the football field and weave a tale of music and majesty where the work of the long summer days will culminate in the jubilation of a job well done.

Daddy’s girl…My Favorite Spot

I am a Daddy’s girl, and have been since before birth! I even rushed my entrance into this world when Daddy came home to my Mama, 2 weeks before her due date and said *I have orders to Vietnam*.  Apparently,  I wasn’t *About * to let him leave for a year away in a war zone without at least a hello and a kiss Goodbye- so I was born 24 hours later!  After his year overseas, which included earning a purple heart along with a short stay in a hospital in Yokuska, Japan- a result of  a bullet bouncing around in a helicopter “till it hit something” (His leg), several months of surgery and recovery- and an adventurous trip with my Mama to Japan to visit- we were reunited. As an aside, can I just say that the Japanese LOVE blonde haired, blue eyed babies, almost as much as my Daddy did~ I got spoiled ROTTEN!

Those were busy days- In the Marines (Semper Fi!), you had overseas tours, and stateside tours- which included 6 month cruises with the Navy;  So even *home time* included a lot of time away. When Daddy left for his second tour in Vietnam, I was about 3 and I was already my Daddy’s biggest fan- he was my Hero. When he left, I was given a framed black and white picture of him, with a slight grin, dressed in a flight suit, in front of an OV-10 (a plane). I carried it everywhere- proudly showing it to anyone who would stop long enough to look. I would point to the handsome Black haired, Brown eyed pilot and say *That’s My Daddy!* with the glowing, limitless pride of a little girl.  Just over a year later, when he returned from overseas- I was still proudly sharing my *Daddy* with anyone who would look, and this handsome stranger with a booming deep bass voice was just that- a stranger…And sadly- I know it broke his heart- because in my childish mind- I had carried my Daddy with me every day. I had to get to know this tall, imposing, striking stranger. The turning point for him was one night when I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to (I know- me- the little angel—in TROUBLE?? LOL!), and he looked at me and calmly said *Miki, No*. I looked at him, my eyes widening to the point that they were two bottomless wells of blue as I put my hands behind my back, covering my bottom, shaking my hand over and over as I softly repeated *No, no, no, no*- as I backed into a corner, still shaking my head- and just stopped in that corner- looking up at him in complete fear.  Even to this day, when my Daddy tells that story, a shadow fleetingly flashes across his face- and I can see that it took a little piece of his heart away when that happened. But for us, it was the beginning of a *face t0 face* relationship…again.

When Daddy would walk in the house…first, he kissed Mama, and scooped me up~ and after kisses and hugs, Daddy would change clothes and then sit in his favorite chair…and it was only a matter of seconds before I was claiming my throne - right in his lap!  Sitting there, snuggled into his arm, leaning on his chest, was my favorite place to be! My Daddy’s lap was a place where I knew I was loved, secure, safe, and surrounded not only by his strong arms, but by the knowledge that sitting there, nestled in his arms~ I was in a place of complete love, protection, tenderness and strength. Thru the years, he was encouraging, proud, understanding, a great listener~ I knew that he respected me and I adored and respected him. And although he didn’t always agree with every choice I made as I got older and started making those major life decisions without him- He made it very clear that as long as I was willing to live with the consequences of my decisions, he would be there to support them. From the Grade School thru the teenage chaos years, and the times I tried every ounce of patience he had, he could be stern, and even a little scary- but I knew I could still seek sanctuary, redemption and unconditional love by curling up in Daddy’s Lap, and snuggling in his arms…and for both of us, during those few moments, all the frustrations of life would slip away.

Once I left home, those opportunities to shut out the world by sitting in my favorite seat became scarce- and more precious. When I came home for my first visit after getting married and stationed overseas…the first picture my Mama took was of me…Beaming with a smile that came from the tips of my toes…as I plopped down in Daddy’s recliner, right after HE sat in it! Even tho I was a grown woman, Daddy’s lap was still a perfect fit!  And bless his heart…he even was smiling when I would settle on his lap, tummy rounded with the granddaughters he was preparing to spoil, and he was comforting, funny, loving and encouraging. I have been blessed with a lifetime of love and laughter in Daddy’s lap.

But as I have grown, and watched my girls’ grow up; I think the biggest blessing in my life is that I still have him. Daddy’s Birthday is June 19, so every few years, his birthday and Father’s Day are one and the same. This happens to be one of those years. I am keenly aware of so many friends and loved ones who have lost their Dad’s, their advisors, their confidants, their comforters, their Rocks…a piece of the foundation of their life is broken- the foundation is there- but part of the strength that they built their life on is missing…and I cannot imagine that. And I don’t want to.  So for now, I will be taking this June 19 and Celebrating my favorite spot, and the man I admire the most. The man who taught me to love God and fear him (and yes, that him applies both to God *and* Daddy!), but most of all- to work hard and love those around me with my whole heart, holding nothing back. I am blessed to still be able to hear his deep resonant voice, and feel the love as his arms engulf me.  I will wish a Happy Birthday on this Father’s Day to the most amazing man I have ever known, my hero, my rock, My Daddy. I love you.

Goodblogs

For almost 2 months (just after the last post here in June)- I started writing for a site called Goodblogs. I loved the writing, the community, the inspiration, the encouragement- and honestly- the money. For each blog that was voted up, I received $20. I was extremely blessed that from the very beginning, every post I shared was voted to the top page. I cannot share these in any form to make money- but wanted to share a *Version* of each article with you so you could get an idea of my writing and of the randomness that occupied my mind this summer! So the coming blogs will be edited versions of my Goodblog posts- I am also hoping that by posting these- it will start encouraging me to start writing again. So for those who read the originals- I love you and am grateful for your support- For those who are new to my blog- I hope you enjoy these! :)
Michelle

Photography

I recently was given the opportunity and honor of shooting the Senior Portraits for a young lady who was graduating with Brianna. They have known each other since the 3rd grade. Her family has been thru some rough times as well, and so when she asked if I was up to doing a photo shoot with her, I couldn't say no. I packed up the camera bag, got my water and my cane and charged the battery. The morning dawned- sunny, cool and bright...but by the time we met to shoot at 2 pm...the clouds had moved in, and I was truly afraid we were going to get rained on. 
In addition- the first of our selected locations was the L&N station...which was hit hard by the storms/tornadoes the end of April, and most of the area was closed off for construction and repair. But we took advantage of the beautiful grillwork on the staircase and the stained glass windows and  took a few shots. Then we headed down into World's Fair Park to see what we could get. The clouds actually provided us some great shots, as we didn't have to worry as much about shadows and glare, but it was the most walking I had done in almost a year!! She brought a couple changes of clothes, and I sat and rested when she changed.
We shot for almost 5 hours. I could barely move when we were done- but I wanted to be sure we got some good shots...When I came home to edit- I was thrilled!! I am going to post this now, as I am putting together a slide show of Blaze's Senior Pics, as soon as it is ready, I will attach it!
But the best part of the day was that this sweet, lovely young woman has about 60 images that she can proudly choose from and share to celebrate with those she loves. And we spent a lovely day doing something I had forgotten that I missed!
Photo slide show to come!